Marijuana Cures Heresy.
Today at YMBAH we are pleased to announce the results of a new study in which we have spent time and a large sum of money on pizza. I believe it was a grueling time with moments of heartache and joy, but I just know there were moments of complete forgetfulness. It was also unnecessarily long in its testing. I can’t remember why, but we reached the final goal and can proudly say marijuana doesn’t just cure cancer, upset stomach, and Tourette’s, but it can now be proven to cure heresy.
Here’s how we conducted the study.
Local Mormon missionaries kept coming to our door at Heretics HQ. I forgot who hatched the plan to finally invite them in and keep them, but that’s what we did. We managed to talk them inside. Poor things had no idea what they agreed to. We ordered food as the conversation became deep and long, and somehow someone knocked a bottle of medicinal marijuana onto the pizza we ordered. We don’t know who owns the MMJ, we are looking into this also, if I remember. But suffice to say we were all very mellow. We would spend hours talking about things that I can’t remember talking about. Before we knew it fifteen minutes had passed. The pizza was good, so we ordered more. Someone knows a guy who knows a guy who can get some good pizza seasoning. The once Mormon missionaries were eventually allowed to leave. They had gained weight, a love for pineapple on pizza, and were no longer Mormons. No one knows what it was that convinced them. One said he’d never been happier and proclaimed, “I really love you guys.” He has decided to grow his hair out, join Bethel Church and tell everyone Jesus loves them. Just to be sure of the results, the gang believe they need to reproduce the experiment. They are presently reaching out to the Kingdom Hall, while I contact their pastors and counselors.