Adventures of Florida Man, Volume 1

Adventures of Florida Man, Volume 1

Little is known about Florida Man. He stumbled out of a swamp one day, wearing tattered clothing and an alligator skin cape. Wrapping his trusty sidekick Python around his neck, he ventured into the nearest city. We don’t know which city. Some say Tallahassee, others say Ocala or Miami. All we know is he showed up one day and beat a man senseless with a corn cob.

According to reports, he staggered down the sidewalk like a drunk man looking for a bath salt fix. He grabbed some fresh buttered corn from a street vendor and continued his questless adventure while the street vendor screamed obscenities at him.

Out of nowhere, a man riding a lawnmower on a busy street crossed three lanes of traffic and plowed into a stroller. Though unharmed by the crash, both the baby and his mother start wailing, alerting Florida Man to the rescue.

Dazed, the Lawnmower Man looks around as though he just woke from a three-day bender and snatches the baby. Florida Man took off after him, almost running Lawnmower Man over. At the last second, he stopped and simply tapped the guy’s shoulder. When Lawnmower Man turned around, Florida Man beat him with the corn cob and returned the baby safely to his mother.

When later questioned about his heroic efforts, Florida Man stated his regret in abusing his food and asked this reporter for a donut.

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