Calvinist Predestined to tell the truth

Calvinist Predestined to tell the truth

Manny Keehan, a Calvinist, is historically the first believer to admit this one weird truth—that he holds to the secret teachings of Gnosticism by being a Calvinist. Yes thats right you heard it first here.

I caught up with Manny and his dog, Augustine, at a microbrew in Denver. “Many Calvinists won’t admit this,” said Manny, taking a pull on his vape. “We believe the flesh is evil just like the Gnostics, that we have to be a part of the secret elect club to be saved. No one knows who the elect are but God.” As the room filled with the smell of vanilla Chai, Manny became expressive in his admission. “Gosh, we might as well go all the way and admit it. Jesus is fighting our sin like a Demi Urge.”

I asked Manny why Calvinists reject such a notion of being Gnostics. “Well, the Gnostics got a bad rap. They had icons and symbols, and it was all too Roman Catholic for Calvinists. You know how Romaphobic they are. So, they will just outright deny they are Gnostics. Anything remotely Roman Catholic they will run away from. That’s why they tried to get rid of Christmas. They can’t help it. They are predestined to be in denial and see joy as evil. Presbyterians are the frozen chosen, but at least baptists will have a pot luck, you know its something they like to smile about.”

When asked what connection Gnosticism has with Calvinism, he replied, “It’s simple. People will misrepresent the five points because they don’t know the secret knowledge, that is, the five points of TULIP. Only real Calvinists know the five points. That’s why they claim they will never leave Calvinism. They are a slave to the secret knowledge.” Perplexed by his answer, I asked if he could elaborate. “Well you have to be a Calvinist to know what Calvinism teaches. But if you ever leave Calvinism you were never a Calvinist to start with, so you never really knew what the five points are, many people claim to be ex calvinists, but they always misrepresent what calvinists beleive, so they were never real calvinsts.”

It seemed Manny would just repeat himself if I pressed the matter, so after a deep drink of his IPA he continued. “We all know Total Inability and Limited Atonement are Gnostic teachings. Calvinists say they are elect because of God; the Gnostics say it’s because of the divine spark. But it’s the same thing isn’t it? If Calvinists were honest, they would admit the similarities they have. That must mean that Calvinism is Gnostic.” 


“It’s not easy being a Calvinist,” said Manny. “Having all those projectionists misrepresenting what you believe, having even Calvinists openly lie about not being Gnostics. It is a secret cult. We love bacon, beards and IPA’s. Wherever those are you will find Calvinists comparing tats and redefining Gnosticism for the masses.” I thanked him for his time and left, pondering what the implications will be that Calvinists are finally admitting to the truth.

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