Fluffy Unicorns are More Important than Science, Says Chan

Fluffy Unicorns are More Important than Science, Says Chan

At the 2019 Church Leaders Conference, Francis Chan claimed that unity is more important than truth.  The former pastor of Cornerstone Community Church has lately been uniting himself with unsavory characters, like Todd White and the man this news source identified as the Werewolf of Israel.

Curious as to where his new thinking would lead, this reporter investigated further and found some interesting tidbits. In an interview, Chan claimed belief in fluffy unicorns is more important than science and that floating freely though the air is more important than the laws of gravity. He spoke these words through his characteristically charming smile while leaning back in a chair that he insisted was a glory cloud that held him aloft in its thick mist.

Noticing my confusion, Chan leaned forward to help me understand. “You see, God is not a God of logic. He transcends all things, all truths, all physics. If He tells a mountain to be removed, it will be removed. If He says one who believes that there are nine persons in the Godhead and that they all have separate wills is to be united with me as a brother, then the Werewolf of Israel is my brother.”

I started to point out that God did not actually say that, but Chan interrupted. “Now you’re sounding like the snake in the garden when he asked if God really said that. Look, it’s very simple. Unity is more important than truth. Feelings are more important than logic. A is the same as not A.”

Because unity is so important to Chan, he forgave my skepticism and offered me a glass of Romulan ale. Instead of pointing out that Romulans don’t exist, I accepted his offer with grace. It turned out to be cherry Kool-Aid.

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