God's Nanny Holds Key to Life's Instructions

God's Nanny Holds Key to Life's Instructions

Two days ago, Joel Osteen tweeted, “[God] wants you to grow up.” As the nanny for God, Osteen has taken on the role of caring for God’s whiny brats on earth. Intrigued by Osteen’s new position, this interviewer met with him at his office in Houston

“I’ve told people if they don’t stop crying God was going to give them something to cry about.” Osteen shook his head and looked out the window with a forlorn expression that ran contrary to the very words my mom used on me.

When asked what his plan was if people didn’t listen to him, Osteen admitted that children don’t always listen to their parents or their nannies.

Attempting to lighten the mood, I joked that it’s too bad there isn’t a divine parenting model. Instead of laughing, Osteen pulled out a thick leather-bound book. “Oh, right. The Bible,” I said.

“No, the Bible says who I am. The instructions are in this book.” He flipped through it and read, “Don’t get your knickers in a bunch.” He smiled. “That’s a good one. I also like to remind people not to follow the crowd by asking if everyone else jumped off the cliff would they do it.”

“That’s a book of momisms,” I pointed out.

“And Godisms.” He nodded with a smile. “After all, He’s our divine parent. People have been looking for Proverbial statements in the Bible, but they won’t find them there. God’s instructions for life are all right here.” He waved the leather-bound book in his hand.

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