Former complementarian Beth Moore wrote her last tweet of the day on May 11th and left the house to buy milk, according to her husband. But she never came back. While police put out an APB and went on a womanhunt, fans across America held a vigil, praying for Moore’s safe return.
Many speculate on what happened to her that fateful evening. Some theories suggest that she was kidnapped by the patriarchy; others say she is undergoing a sex exchange so that she can preach in an Orthodox Presbyterian Church. But every lead proved fruitless, says police. One officer thought Moore’s last tweet might hold the clue to her whereabouts. The tweet in question said, “Though the SBC slay me, I will serve them.” Could the SBC have slayed this beloved Baptist minister?
While the police investigated this angle, Moore popped up in a church in Boston with her new bestie—Priscilla Shirer. “I knew Priscilla could help me discern the voice of God, so I used tea leaves to divine her location.”
When asked if she found a way to discern the voice of God, Moore excitedly tweeted about tongues of fire consuming her, not to burn her but to save. “It’s a holy fire. Not hell fire. We need to bless people with our holy dragon breath.”
After a brief interview in which Moore spouted heretical nonsense, police determined that she was perfectly within her usual mindset and that no foul play had been committed.